As it should be

I wrote this post shortly after our friend Mitch passed away.  my thoughts are here and there and everywhere, but they are raw and real.  

I took their very last family picture for Valentine's day cards because E didn't get them out in time for Christmas.  He had each of the kids tell me thank you.

when I first wrote this I have to admit, there was some bitterness.  but, as always, things have worked out, not as I thought they should be, but exactly as they should be.  Elizabeth will marry J next month, and she is so incredibly happy.  she still kind of freezes when she hears his name, and when she hears one of his brother's voices.  they all sound freakishly alike.  but j is kind, and loving, and walked with open arms into a family of five.  who does that?  he just fit perfectly.  as if mitch planned it himself.

I had a dream last night that Mitch didn't die, and that everything was as it should be. Elizabeth didn't wake up to hearing herself cry, her 4 kids had a daddy to play with at the park, the boys had a football coach. Mitch held her hand as she gave birth last Saturday to Mitch Jr. We were happy that even though we didn't have a place to live now, we weren't needed in Mesa anymore because they'd be there together. Little Mitch would know just how awesome his dad was. Cole would go golfing with him and I'd be annoyed because it took all day, and Elizabeth and I would go rollerblade to our next yoga class while he watched the kids. Elizabeth didn't have to live her life minute to minute anymore.

In my dream, he woke up. I saw the exasperated joy in Elizabeth's face and she fell on him crying. I watched, in disbelief, as my prayers were answered. He made a joke out of all of it, of course, in Mitch's typical style. I hugged him, I think I even kissed his forehead, neither of which I ever did while he was alive. I kept checking to make sure it wasn't a dream. It was so real. He hopped right up and while everyone tried to make him lie down he wouldn't. He talked to me about how he felt now, as I listened intently, smiling from ear to ear that he was back for her. I didn't have to worry about my friend anymore, because he was here to take care of her, to love her the way only he could. In my dream he did what I knew would happen.

Elizabeth.

That was my first thought when I heard about Mitch two weeks ago. Was it only two weeks ago? It feels like a million years ago that they announced his condition was serious. I immediately texted E and asked what I could do to help. When I finally got her text back in Relief Society at church, Cole and I ran out the doors and drove to Flaggstaff.

Elizabeth was so calm. Calmer than I've ever seen her before. So many were resigned that he wouldn't make it, but I KNEW that Heavenly Father did miracles, and if there was ever a time to have a miracle, wasn't it now? Miracles have been wrought for much less, so SURELY this was a time for a miracle....Elizabeth needed a miracle. Elizabeth needed Mitch, so I expected a miracle, although in my heart I knew it wasn't His plan. And I was heartbroken. I still am. For Elizabeth, one of my dearest friends.

But he wasn't there for Mitch Jr's birth 5 days ago. And he won't be the boy's coach on their football team this year. And we'll move this month to Mesa. And Elizabeth will cry.

When I woke up, my heart broke all over again as I realized where I was. In my bed. Next to Cole. Not in the hospital like I just was moments ago, talking to Mitch about how great he felt. I wondered if E has those dreams, and how much more devastating it would be to wake up from hers.