I got to talk to Lili on the phone before she went into surgery a couple days ago, and before her transfusion. Before she was in pain again.
My mom called and said she had someone for me to talk to and held the phone up to Lili’s ear. She pushed the phone away and said an embarrassed “no”. and my heart broke. But then my mom put me on speaker and all I had to do was say her name in the way only I do, in a very bossy, endearing manner. And she giggled for about 30 seconds straight whilst tears ran down my cheeks on the other end of speaker. Then she continued to tell me I was having a baby boy, that her toenails and fingernails were pink, and that her dad would NEVER wear pink because he was a BOY. duh. And then she giggled some more. It was wonderful, and heart wrenching to think she would be in pain again in just a few short hours.
She’s okay today. Her levels are up that are supposed to be up, and she hasn’t had a fever for a whole 24 hours. But I haven’t been able to hear her giggle again, and that moment couldn’t come fast enough.
*************************************************
Being pregnant is getting hard. I thought getting sick would be hard. It was. But right now its really hard.
Some of you may know that eating disorders are about perfectionism most of the time. They are about wanting to please everyone. About wanting control when it feels like they have none. Lili’s sick and I can’t go see her. And there’s nothing I can do for her. And there’s nothing I can do for my brother when he cries. And I can’t go in the hospital even if I was there. And I wasn’t the one to paint her toenails.
And now my body is changing too. And I can’t control that. And now I’m hyper aware of what people say to me (as I knew I would be, but as with everything else, you think that if you KNOW, it will be easier. its not).
I was once told that eating disorders are the hardest addictions to overcome. Because if you’re addicted to heroin, you stop hanging out with your junky friends and you go places where you aren’t around heroin. If you are addicted to beer, its harder to avoid with parties and holidays (if you’re not Mormon, of course). But with food…….you can’t escape it. You CAN’T avoid it, because that’s what your problem was to begin with! You have to deal with it. You have to force yourself (I use the word “force” when I really shouldn’t) to have a healthy relationship with food. With doing your best (to replace perfectionism). With needing control.
So now I hear even more loudly my coworkers telling each other how many calories they ate, and they shout to each other what they’re eating for lunch, and they’ll talk about the weight they’ll lose. And the commercials ring in my ears about the new “taco bell diet” and the new “half the calories, all the same G” Gatorade commercials, and the people might as well scream in my face how they avoided stretch marks when they were pregnant and how much weight they gained and how long it took them to get back in shape. Even people who tell me I look great seem to be telling me that they are paying attention to my body and what it looks like, so make sure it doesn’t change because they’ll notice that too. Its such a sick way of thinking, and yet, I find myself mentally rocking myself back and forth, back and forth, telling my healthy self its okay.
But its exhausting. And its hard to keep drowning out those voices. Its hard to ignore. Its hard to take time to feel what I feel and talk myself into staying healthy. It seems almost inescapable.
I’m getting too personal, aren’t I? I’m getting to serious? Maybe it sounds crazy. It feels crazy sometimes.
But somehow I stay healthy. And somehow I seem to be able to get stronger every day. I still read, I still avoid situations and people, and I still pray for help daily. Sometimes I feel like I should be over this eating disorder thing already.
And then I realize I’m judging myself. And then I give myself a mental kick in the tush. And then I’m okay for a while longer.
