All it takes is a fight.

FINALLY.

I feel settled. I feel liberated. I feel independent. I feel like myself again.

For those of you who have been concerned about me the past 3 months, let your anxiety cease. I'm back!

Perhaps you'de like to know a little more about me?

Let it be known that I think expressing your feelings is important. That feelings are feelings because they are supposed to be felt. That there are no wrong feelings, because that is how YOU feel, and that no one can try to tell you you are feeling the wrong way. I believe that in most cases you shouldn't hide your feelings or not express them to put on a "good face" in front of others. I believe that once something is started, it should be finished, before moving on.

Is this making sense? Or is it just making it more obvious that I'm going to use this as a means of justifying some of my actions?

Unfortunately, theres one problem with my feelings. As much as I believe in sharing them, I'm not very good at it.

That being said, I don't feel like I am a particularly bratty person most of the time, or that I'm selfish usually, or that I don't try to be/do my best at whatever it is that I'm trying to be/do. But I DO feel like sometimes I lose touch with that person and go AWOL. Particularly the past 3 months. Read this and I'll let you be the judge of whether or not I'm crazy.

But, fortunately, my helpmeet is the most amazing person ever, and despite my tender heart, has tried his best to figure out the female psyche and has been particularly sensitive to my feelings. But, last weekend, we had a breakthrough.

He figured me out.

He figured me out before I figured me out.

Exhibit A

I had gotten upset about something (that was most likely an overreaction to something he did or said), and wanted to be alone, so I locked our bedroom door and let him watch his movie. Of course, every minute that went by that I was upset and he CONTINUED to watch his movie, I got more upset at him for not trying to come talk to me about my feelings. A few minutes (too late), he came and knocked on the door. Me, obviously madder at him for not knowing that he was SUPPOSED to come in 3 minutes earlier, did not comply with his request of entering the room. He continued to knock. When I continued to NOT answer, he started a beat. Instead of getting upset that I was not cooperating with his attempt to discuss my feelings, he started to have fun with it, and he kept going and going and going and going, until I couldn't help but laugh, as it was getting more energetic and I could actually SEE his shadow dancing behind the door. I got up and unlocked it (you know, like you did when you were little when your brother did the exact same thing) and as quietly as possible went back to my assumed position. After about 10 minutes, I gave up, and told him to come in, and that I wasn’t going to open it FOR him ;)

Me, thinking that he would come in and lie down next to me, cuddle up, and ask me what was wrong, hid my smile as best I could, and forced my face into a frown. He came quietly into the dark room, and stood at my feet as I stuffed my head into my pillow a little more. Then, my little tenderhearted husband leaned over me slowly affectionately squirt me in the face with a water bottle. In the face. He continued to harass me with water until it became an all-out war. In a matter of seconds I found myself distorting my face trying to look mad while laughing hysterically and wrestling with my (freakishly strong) husband. After many failed attempts at retrieving a water bottle from his hand, he chucked it behind him in an effort at peace and hit our candle warmer. Bright red wax splashed up against our fireplace and instantaneously hardened onto the stucco. Perfect. We laughed together.

Exhibit B

Like I said, once something is started, I feel it needs to be finished, SO I felt it my obligation to again be upset until we had talked about it. It was getting harder to be upset. I laid down on the bed and fell asleep before I had a chance to make it known.

Exhibit C

The next morning I was scrubbing the floors and went into the bathroom where Cole was getting ready. I started scrubbing at the entrance and threatened his LIFE if he stepped on what I just scrubbed with his dirty shoes. I think he said something when I had him cornered between the toilet and tub like, “then where am I supposed to go?!” I believe I said something brilliant like, “you should have thought about THAT before you came in here when I was scrubbing the floors!” So, in another effort at peace, he laid down in the tub. I told him it would dry in 45 minutes or so. I walked in 2 minutes later and he was asleep. DANG. Foiled again! I laughed! My attempt at anger was failing me! What was happening! I grabbed my camera and took some pictures, and in the process woke him up and he attacked. By the end of our wrestling match of retrieving the camera, I was laughing and he was easily able to talk to me about what I had been upset about the night before.

Exhibit D

Its memories like this that even now, make me laugh and thank Heavenly Father for him and his attitude and outlook at even the most inconvenient circumstances. He is such a dream come true. Somehow even at the beginning of this fight I realized how lucky I was for having him. And something happened that I can’t explain. Its like my eyes were open, like the person I was found me again. Like I finally reconnected with myself.

Best fight I’ve ever been in.